Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
