There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize