Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
