I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize