Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
