Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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