her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
