Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
