checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
