this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I need to stop coming to work sober
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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