sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
