Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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