Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
how does that bad decision feel?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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