oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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