so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
