JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
