I think I died a long time ago.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
