I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
