I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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