Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
