Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
