You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
