Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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