flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
