Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
