listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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