I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
