Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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