id be glad to
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
