Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
