where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
