Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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