So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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