Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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