the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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