Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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