My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
