I just pynch a tree in the face
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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