So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
