I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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