Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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