arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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