Where are you?
In a non slutty way
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
