I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
