No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
