I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Duck Duck Cougar?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
