I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
