Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
