You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
