just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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