Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
