i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize