remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
