the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize