New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize