Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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