Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
