I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize