dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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