Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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