The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
