He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
