I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
