i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
